


like the breaking of glass

by crockercorptm



Series: all the things yet to come [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Explicit Consent, Fluff, Gen, Holding Hands, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, Touch-Starved, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 13:57:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20359651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crockercorptm/pseuds/crockercorptm
Summary: Mollymauk is a very tactile person.He moves his hands constantly; when he is talking, when he is fighting andespeciallywhen he is flirting. Caleb has seen him kiss Yasha’s forehead sweetly, or quickly pull Beau into a reluctant hug more times than he could count.But these quick touches never seemed to land his way. In fact, if Caleb didn’t know any better, he would think that Molly was avoiding touching him all together.





	like the breaking of glass

**Author's Note:**

> haha no dont self project your issues onto caleb youre so sexy haha, the title is from "wasteland, baby!" by hozier 
> 
> _All the things yet to come are the things that have passed___  
_Like the old enough hands, like the breaking of glass___  
_Like the bonfire that burns, in worth, in a fight felt too___

Mollymauk is a very tactile person.

He moves his hands constantly; when he is talking, when he is fighting and _especially_ when he is flirting. Caleb has seen him kiss Yasha’s forehead sweetly, or quickly pull Beau into a reluctant hug more times than he could count. __

_ __ _

_ __ _

But these quick touches never seemed to land his way. In fact, if Caleb didn’t know any better, he would think that Molly was avoiding touching him all together. It was not as if he wanted Molly to touch him, it was just a pattern he had began to notice.

He had no falsehoods about his self worth, he knew he was revolting. He knew that he looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and that his coat had seen some better times. But the appearance of a person never seemed to matter to Molly when he was being friendly. Molly was kind to everyone, from a disgruntled barkeep, to a desperate beggar on the streets.

Maybe he was just that disgusting.

It was after completing a simple job in a town too small to be on a map, and the group had plenty of gold to spare, that they set off on the road. They travel for the entirety of the day, pushing onwards in hopes of reaching a destination before nightfall. 

Molly spends the time flitting between everyone like a moth. He laughs along side Nott, and even ends up braiding Jester’s hair. Caleb sits at the back of the cart, checking and rechecking his spell components. 

When they find a small town consisting of a few streets they all sigh with relief and exhaustion.

The group finds lodgings at a nearby inn as quickly as possible. Too tired from the long day to partake in their usual revelry, the group disperses in their usual pairs. Beau and Jester continuing to chat cheerfully, as if the long day of travel never happened, and Fjord and Molly take off to their room sluggishly. 

As his roommate, Fjord gets to see a side of Molly that no one else does. He is a witness to Molly as he removes his jewelry and his colourful wardrobe. What would be underneath? Molly would never let someone like Caleb see, anyways, so there is no point in wondering. 

Caleb and Nott find their room, and begin to prepare for sleep in a comforting routine. Nott takes up a spot on the bed and leans against Caleb as he leafs through a new book he had picked up along the way. There was no bitter cold threatening to take them in the night if they slept apart, but still Nott remained by his side. 

“Nott?” Caleb asks softly, not knowing if his companion was asleep or not.

“Yeah, Caleb?” Nott replies, shifting her head to nestle into the crook of his elbow. 

Caleb struggles with his words for a moment, unsure exactly how to approach the topic, and closes his book. “Ah well, you know what Jester says…” he pauses before continuing, “do you think that I… am disgusting?”

“Jester just likes to tease you,” Nott says with a sleepy sigh.

“Oh,” he says as if that helps him, though it doesn’t. “And you my friend?”

She opens her eyes now and gazes up, her forehead against his arm, her chin jutting out, “Goblins are pretty disgusting, Caleb, I’m not sure I’m the best to judge.”

“Oh,” he says again.

“But of course you know I think you’re wonderful, even if you do smell sometimes.”

“Hey!” He exclaims, and ruffles her hair playfully. She laughs and attempts to straighten her hair, but it just makes a bigger mess than before.

“I’m joking! I’m joking! Sheesh!” 

“I know, _schatz_.” __

_ __ _

_ __ _

Nott resumes her sleeping position nestling up against Caleb, and drifts off without any trouble. But Caleb’s mind will not relax, even with Nott’s gentle reassurances. 

He thinks of Molly leaning away from him during a long day of traveling by cart. Of Molly giving everyone a hug after surviving an ambush. Of Molly blowing kisses, and winking at everyone and anyone. _Except him_.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

For as smart as he is, he does not understand why Mollymauk would be avoiding him. He gets it, he knows he is a garbage person, and that he is disgusting. He knows that if the roles were reversed, he would not want to touch himself either. But he can not help himself from picturing Molly’s nimble fingers intertwining with his hair, as he has done with Yasha so many times before.

Perhaps he was thinking too much into it. Maybe Molly wasn’t actively avoiding him. 

Caleb lets out a shuddering breath, and digs his nails into his palms, urging his thoughts to settle, before drifting off into a restless sleep. 

It’s a few days later, when the ragtag group decides to relax for an evening in a tavern, that Caleb’s suspicions of Molly avoiding him are confirmed. 

They are sitting at a table in the corner of the room, watching as Jester attempts to swindle a couple of old men at a card game that looks suspiciously similar to Go Fish. Molly is sitting beside him, already laughing a bit too loudly thanks to the cheap ale. He has his coat off, his shirt sleeves rolled up the elbows, and Caleb can not help but feel his gaze wander across the expanse of tattoos. 

“ -and that’s how I almost got my arm chewed off!” Nott squeaks out, showing off her left arm proudly. 

Molly dissolves into laughter as if this is the most entertaining thing he has ever heard, his cheeks sporting a dark violet blush. He grins, showing off his canines, his red eyes crinkling, and reaches out to grab Caleb’s shoulder. 

This is it, Caleb thinks. Finally.

Then before Molly’s hand finds its mark, he stops mid air, and pulls it back. He laughs a bit awkwardly and grins sheepishly at Caleb, as if he has made some kind of mistake. 

Caleb feels himself frowning, and his face growing flush in embarrassment. He shrugs his shoulders, though he’s not really sure why. I must really be disgusting, he thinks. 

Suddenly not in the mood for drinks, he pushes his tankard back, and stands up out of his chair. He grabs his coat and puts it on, thankful for the comfort of its familiar smell and material. 

“I think that will be all for me tonight, _gute nacht_.” He says, wrapping his coat around his body tighter.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“Caleb! Buddy! C’mon don’t be a party pooper.” Beauregard slurs, as she slumps drunkenly against the table.

“Yeah! Stay a while! You’ve barely drank anything, it’s a crime.” That stupidly silken voice. Molly gazes up at Caleb from underneath his long eyelashes, face leaning into his hand. “You know we love your company.” 

A spike of red hot embarrassment shoots through him. “Oh, do you Mr Mollymauk?”

An expression of confusion dances across his face for a moment, he almost seems upset, before the drunken grin returned. He leans into his hands, posing in a similar fashion to how he had when he was attempting to flirt with the barkeep for information. “Why of course I love your company _Mr Caleb_.” __

_ __ _

_ __ _

He feels his stomach tying itself into knots, and he quickly takes off for the stairs, too tired to speculate what that statement entailed. 

Behind him he hears Beauregard guffawing. “I thought I was a disaster,” she laughs. Caleb just continues walking. 

The next town over, they take a job that should have been easy. Just a few bandits causing some farmers trouble, nothing that they couldn’t take care of. But it goes wrong.

Caleb ends up with a crossbow bolt sticking out of his chest. 

He doesn’t even feel it at first, too busy finishing up a Fire Bolt to the nearest raider. Once the familiar heat subsides from his hands, he notices that Nott is looking at him with a face of horror.

“Caleb!” She shouts, and rushes towards him, as fast as her tiny legs can take her.

He glances down, finally noticing the gushing blood from a very obvious wound. 

“Ah.” He says. 

He grasps the bolt weakly and then collapses.

“Jester! Heal him!” Nott screams. She sounds like she is underwater. 

He feels the magic healing him, but it is far away. It’s as if he is adrift at the bottom of a lake, staring up at the rippling patterns of light. His body feels cold as he sinks deeper, the words of his friends sounding muffled and distant. Then he blacks out, letting the darkness take him.

When Caleb wakes up he is in an unfamiliar bed. 

The room is quiet, save for the soft snores of Nott, who is sleeping in a tight ball at the foot of his bed. Caleb is glad for her company, the weight of her on the bed instantly puts his mind at ease. He straightens up, ignoring the sharp pain that courses through his chest, and reaches toward his sleeping friend. 

“Nott?” he says, and somehow, it turns into a question. 

Her small body stirs, and a single bright yellow eye peeks open. She bolts up, and then leaps towards him, pulling him into a hug. Her claws dig in to his back uncomfortably, but in this moment he does not mind. “Caleb! Oh thank gods you’re alright.”

“Er, _ja” _

Nott wipes her eyes a bit. _Had she been crying?_ She grins, showcasing her impressive display of teeth, and then hugs him again, tighter. Her touch is so easy to sink into, so natural. He can not help his thoughts from wandering back to Mollymauk. If he leaned into him, would it be this simple? Would it feel this reassuring? __

_ __ _

_ __ _

__

__

He knows he does not deserve Nott’s affections, but it doesn’t stop him from being selfish. He clings to her tiny frame tightly. After a moment of embracing he lets out a gasp of pain.

“Oh, I’m sorry Caleb! Jester did say that you might not be fully healed.” 

“_Ja_, seems that way.”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Nott scrambles skittishly off the bed, and stands at his side. He clutches his chest for a moment, gritting his teeth, and waits for the stabbing pain to subside. When he feels his body relax, he gazes at his friend, and shows a weak smile. 

She touches his hand, “I’m just glad you’re ok. Yasha had to carry you all the way back, and Jester wasn’t sure she had a strong enough spell, and Molly was so worried about you, and I-”

“Wait, Nott.” _Had he heard her correctly? Molly was worried about him?_ “What do you mean? About Mollymauk?”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Nott looks confused for a moment, then proceeds softly, “He, uh, well he was a little distraught when he saw you bleeding out. He did his best to help Jester stabilize you, ‘cause well, y’know he has this thing with blood...”

The sound of her voice is muffled as Caleb racks his brain in an attempt to even guess as to why Molly was worried about him. Logically, he knows that they are friends, and that friends cared for each other, presumably. However, Molly was keeping him at an arm’s length. It didn’t add up.

After Nott had spent an appropriate amount of time making sure he wasn't dead, Caleb makes his way down the stairs, leaning against the wall as he goes for support. The sounds of baudy laughter fills his ears, and as he reaches the last step he can see his companions sitting around a large table. The fireplace crackling loudly, casting warm glows on smiling faces. 

“Caleb!” Jester says excitedly, and stands up promptly from her chair. She rushes over to him, a goofy grin plastered across her face. She pulls him into an embrace, and then lifts him off the ground as if he weighed nothing, spinning as she goes. The proximity makes him feel flushed.

She laughs and laughs, “I’m so glad you are feeling all better!” Then she sets him down, his head dizzy and his face hot. 

He steps away, and folds into himself a bit. “Mmm, _ja_, I am feeling much better now, thanks Jester.”__

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

When he reaches the table, he gazes in the direction of Molly. The orange light dances across his skin, colouring him a shade of pink. He looks relaxed, leaning in his chair with his legs up on the table, his coat nowhere to be seen. 

Caleb sits down, his back to the fire, “Mr Mollymauk?”

Molly smiles and looks his way, “Yes, Mr Caleb?”

It shouldn’t be this difficult. His throat feels like it’s closing up. _Just say it_. “Uh well, Nott informed me that… that you were concerned about me?”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Molly’s tail swishes back and forth under the table, his face unmoving.

“Well of course, our squishiest wizard got injured!”

Caleb takes a deep, shuddering breath, and places his hand on the arm of Molly’s chair. Whether Molly noticed or not, he didn’t let on. 

“Well, I’m alright. I suppose, I just thought that...” he says softly, almost drowned out by the buzz of the busy tavern, “I thought that you didn’t like me very much.”

Molly’s usual sly grin fell, his tail stopped suddenly, “What - Caleb? Why would you think that?”

“You seem to, uh, avoid me. Often. It did not give me the idea that you enjoyed spending time with me.” 

Maybe it was the thought of how he almost died, or maybe it was that he was simply fed up with Molly’s aversion to him, but the words came easily. He wanted Molly’s attention. Even though he didn’t deserve it in the slightest, he _wanted_ so badly that he ached. And he wanted to know why he couldn't have it. __

_ __ _

_ __ _

“Oh Caleb, no! That wasn’t what I - ugh, I messed up.” He takes his ridiculous boots off the table, and now leans his face into his hands. He pushes his hair back, the jewelry swaying with the motion, and he sighs.

“Why don’t we take this upstairs?” Molly’s head nods in the direction of the staircase. 

Caleb’s hands were shaking and slick with sweat, so he stuffs them in his coat pocket. He stands up, and wishes the other members of their group a good evening, before trudging to the stairs. 

When they reach the hallway, he begins to instinctively head to his room he shares with Nott, before he thinks better of it and follows Molly to his room. He pushes the door open and they head inside, Molly clicking the door shut behind them. Caleb stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, unsure to where he was supposed to sit. Or was he suppose to sit at all? Molly probably just wanted to have a quick talk. 

He was saved from making a decision when Molly sits down on the bed, and pats beside him. Before he could think too much, Caleb places himself at a safe distance away from him. 

“So what seems to be the problem, hmm?” 

Even with his blank, red eyes Caleb could feel Molly staring at him. He was very aware at how close they were now. Closer than they had been at any other time. 

“You… you do not like me.” It sounds ridiculous now, saying it out loud. 

Molly just laughs, “Oh, you have no idea? Do you?”

He just bites his lip, and tries to hide his shaking hands. “What do you mean?”

He laughs again, leaning back and relaxing a little, “Caleb, please know that I like you _very_ much.”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“Oh.”

“I’m not sure how you even came to this conclusion, honestly. It’s not as if I was being subtle.”

Caleb glances at his ornate tattoos and jewelry, and then at the coat slung over the bed frame. “I am not sure you know how to be subtle, honestly.” 

Lines formed at the edges of Molly’s eyes as he smiled. He leans towards Caleb, and he feels his heart beating in his chest, so loud that surely Molly could hear it.

“Though I suppose, I have been distancing myself.” 

Caleb looks away, unable to make eye contact, “Why?”

“Don’t look so crushed! I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, dear.” Molly says, moving his hands wildly as he talks. “For some people, I’m well… a bit much. With the whole tiefling thing, and the tattoos and what not.”

He then clasps his hands in his lap, “You haven't made a move towards me, and I didn’t want to presume anything, love” 

“It’s just,” Caleb says before he thinks better of it, “you’re so _handsy_ with everyone, except me.”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“If you wanted me to touch you, all you had to do was ask,” Molly says, his voice low and lilting. 

Caleb frowns, his face growing hot.

“Joking, dear! Sorry, it’s hard not to flirt with someone as gorgeous as you.” 

_Gorgeous_, Caleb’s heart skips a beat at the compliment. Molly smiles before his demeanor becomes serious again, and he glances at Caleb. __

_ __ _

_ __ _

“Do you want me to touch you?”

His head spins at Molly’s words. 

“I uh - I mean…”

Molly cuts him off, “How about I make it easy for you? I’ll ask if something is alright, and you just have to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, hmm? Will that work, darling?”

“Uh, sure, _ja_.”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

With delicate movements, Molly places his hand hovering over Caleb’s hand, which was resting beside him on the bed. 

“Can I touch your hand?”

The world tilts, and Caleb finds himself nodding, before choking out, “_Ja_, yes.” __

_ __ _

_ __ _

Then Molly rests his hand on top of his, and smiles gently. “There! Not so scary, right?”

It had been a long time since someone had touched him with this much care. Even Nott’s touch was simple, and necessary, for comfort and safety. Molly touched him like he was _glass_. Before he lost his bravery, he intertwined his fingers with Molly’s. __

_ __ _

_ __ _

It felt so easy, as if him and Molly holding hands was the most natural thing in the world. As if they had done this dozens of times before. And for the moment he allows himself to just enjoy it. Even if didn’t deserve it, even if he had done nothing to earn this affection, for now he would enjoy it. 

Caleb chuckles nervously, and looks up at Molly, who is smiling. “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable Caleb. I just didn’t want to upset you.” 

“_Nein_, I understand. I would be wary of approaching me as well.” __

_ __ _

_ __ _

“Actually… It was the opposite.”

“Hmm?”

”It’s...it’s been difficult keeping my hands off you. You’re a very lovely person.”

His heart rate jumps and he pulls his hand away instinctively. _He’s lying_, his mind says. _No one in their right mind would want to be near you. You’re pathetic._ He can feel his thoughts begin to spiral.____

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

“Hey, it’s alright,” Molly says, noticing his increasing panic,“ We don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

Caleb shakes his head, “No, I - I want this.”

He takes a moment to gather himself, steadying his breathing. When he’s ready, he reaches towards Molly’s hand again. When they entwine fingers, Molly grins triumphantly.

“Ah ha! Progress!”

They sit that way for a time, both relaxing on the bed and simply holding hands. Molly gazes at him affectionately, and Caleb doesn’t feel the need to pull away. He doesn't feel as if he’s imposing, but that this is where he is suppose to be. 

“How about we continue this another time? It’s getting late.”

Suddenly exhausted, Caleb nods. They both stand up, and Molly reaches for his hand. Then the tiefling leads him out of the room and down the hall, holding tightly the entire time. When they get to the door of Caleb and Nott’s room, they stop. 

Molly grabs onto Caleb’s other hand, now holding both of them out in front of him, like a prize. He steps closer to Caleb, and he can feel the heat radiating from his body. _Tieflings run hot_, his mind supplies.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“I meant what I said before. I want to touch you more, if you’ll let me.” 

His mind went blank, this is still much more than he expected. “_Ja_, of course Mollymauk.”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

With that Molly’s face splits into a wide grin, his eyes twinkling, “Can I start right now?”

Caleb glances at their joint hands, and looks at Molly. 

“Not just holding hands, dear. Can I kiss you goodnight?”

His brain stops working, he sputters some incoherent phrases. This was all way too much for his mind to handle. 

“Don’t stop working on me there,” Molly laughs, “I mean on the cheek, darling. I do it with Yasha all of the time.”

“Oh, um… sure, why not?” This is what friends do, right? Surely they were friends now?

With a swift motion Molly leans in, his breath hot on his face, and presses his lips against Caleb’s cheek. The touch sends a jolt through his body, and he flinches without meaning to. He knows that his face is probably flushed bright red in embarrassment, his heart beating out of his chest. 

“Goodnight, Caleb.” 

And with that he walks away, leaving a mess of a wizard behind him.

“_Gute nacht_,” he whispers.__

**Author's Note:**

> im posting this at 1:00 am im sorry if there is any mistakes
> 
> There’s a part 2 now! Wow!
> 
> Vibe with me on Twitter: @lanwxngjis


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